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Title:
Sometimes
Part: 1/1
Category: T and I (nothing kinky..sorry!)
Author: Jenn
E-mail: rozzy285@yahoo.com
Feedback: I'll just say that..it's highly important to
give writers their feedback. Or else they get very
disheartened..and don't want to write anymore.... =(
Disclaimer: If I owned 'em..I wouldn't be broke! =)
Notes: Opening/Closing lyrics belong to Save Ferris
~"Angry Situation"~ It's a very good cd! It
comes highly recommended!! And thanks to Jessie...my lil
sis..for proofing for me..as I went along..
//Did you think that
this would make everything right? Can't you see the price
you pay is your own life and as you're screaming out to
me to make things right, tonight How will you end your
pain?//
She smiles at me alot
now. Not everyone gets to see that from her..but I do.
And I love it.
When she smiles at me,
it makes everything real. It makes everything right. You
wouldn't think that a simple smile could do so much, but
it can. The way her lips curl up at the corners,
slightly, when something I've said, strikes her funny,
and she tries not to laugh. Surprisingly, it always seems
to reach her eyes. You don't see that very often with a
lot of people..but I see it when I'm with her.
Sometimes I hate it that
none of the others like her much..but most of the time,
it doesn't matter to either of us. I do, however, have to
admit that they at least have the decency to be civil,
but merely tolerant. But even that has only been going on
for a few months now..almost a year. Now that Nasedo has
been hiding out for the past two years, right in the
middle of the FBI, -a bunch of people who want to see us
all strapped to tables- she's been on her own, and we're
only seniors in high school. Other than me, Alex was the
first to start giving her more of a chance. I think he
does it for the simple fact that he knows how it is, to
feel left out..and "out of the loop",
so-to-speak. After that, the other two humans, and Max
and Michael started to catch on, too.
Tess pretends to be
happy when we we're all together...but that's all it ever
is. She's merely playing along and going with the flow of
things. When we're hanging out, one-on-one, it's a lot
different. I think that I may be the only one that she
feels like she can be herself with. And she talks to me a
lot more openly than before. Sometimes she'll even show
me how she really feels. I've connected to her so many
times, that..every now and then, I can tell how she
feels, even when she doesn't connect or tell me. It's
strange, but a good feeling, to know that she trusts me
enough.
I think that her growing
up with Nasedo has done a lot of damage to her
"human" side..to her "human"
emotions. And the fact that he raised her, more or less,
places him as the father figure in her life. He was all
she had, for ten years and now that he's been gone for
almost two, it's really affecting her. She tries not to
let it show...but *I* see it. And it has to be hard for
her, knowing that Max and I grew up with "real
parents"...and even though Michael was in and out of
foster homes, he still had us. For ten years, Tess was
alone. Nasedo was there, but she had no friends and not
even, really, a family. Now she has me..but sometimes,
even *that* isn't enough.
Sometimes, when she
thinks about it too much, it really hits her. I know she
tries to supress it, but I've spent one too many nights
with her, in that big empty house she's still living
in...holding her while she cries herself to sleep, to be
able to brush it off. Although I make sure to tell her as
often as possible, that she'll always have me, she still
feels, during the bad times, like she has no one. And so
she cries...which sometimes leads me to wonder if it's
possible for an alien to be 'depressed'. I've read about
it a lot lately...mostly of my own accord, because I'm
worried about Tess. It scares me, thinking about some of
the things she's said to me, about all of this being too
hard for her, and how she wished that she could just curl
up into her bed and disappear. And what's stranger, is
that the next day, she's totally fine. Another sign of
depression, or so I've read.
She's doing okay, for
now, tonight. There were some problems earlier, but
again, I held her until she cried herself to sleep. Tess
called me after school today...said that the house was
too quiet and that she didn't know how much longer she
could stand it being like that. I might as well be living
there, my parents joke quite frequently...but they don't
mind. They're just glad to see that I have a best friend
and my mom tells me she's proud of how mature and adult
I've become, whenever I tell her that "Tess called
again." And that's all I have to say, for them to
know that she's feeling alone again..and needs someone to
talk to.
It's going on one in the
morning right now...and sure, we're supposed to be going
to school in about six hourse, but I don't think we will.
I know that I said the crying was over with for the
night, and that she had fallen asleep..but Tess has,
since then, woken up, and there is much to be talked
about. So much more to be said...it doesn't look like
we'll be getting to bed any time soon.
While she's never asked
it of me, Tess and I have more of an unspoken realization
that she's still not used to being alone. I guess, my,
running to her every time she gets scared, isn't going to
help her get past it...but the truth is, I don't like
being alone, much, either. So when I sleep over, she lets
me share the bed with her. It's not huge, but there's
enough room for two, I suppose. And sometimes, when I
wake up in the morning, I wake up to find that Tess is
once again, curled up against me, at my side. Though I
don't mind it at all, sometimes it will almost bring
tears to my eyes, because it makes me realize just how
lonely and in need of someone to take care of her, she
is. So I'll pull her closer and hold her until she wakes
up, too. It's become more of a habit, than anything..but
most of all, it's comforting.
Before Tess came along,
we thought that I was the only female of our kind. And
sometimes, my motherly instincts would take over, just
like a human, I assume. Having Max and Michael, gave me
someone to take care of...to "mother". Now that
they both have significant others..they don't really need
that from me anymore. But now I have Tess...and her
needing someone to take care of her and her needing
someone that she can depend on, is perfect for the both
of us. She has me, and now I have her. Sometimes I wish
that I was all she needed..all she'd ever need..but I
know I can't be. I try not to think about that, much,
though. It almost disturbs me, but most of the time, I
wonder where the thought even came from. Not that I mind,
because I care about Tess..without her in my life, I
don't know where I would be right now.
I guess that brings me
to where I am now. Tess and I, after about an hour of
talking, came down for something to drink, not that we
needed the caffiene..and ended up moving our ritual sleep
over into the the living room. Tess had been smiling a
little more, considering...and just as she was about to
sit down, being the taunting kind of person I am...I made
a comment, just as she was about to sit down, regarding
her "walk". Then I sat down in the black
leather recliner, as though I hadn't said anything. When
the remark registered itself in her head, she
non-chalantly sat her drink down, then came after me,
threatening to "beat me up" for it. In an
attempt to save myself, I grabbed her hands, causing her
to lose her balance. Landing in my lap, the weight caused
the chair to recline on it's own.
Still trying to wrench
herself free from my grasp, I wrapped my arms around her,
pinning her to me, so that she couldn't move. I am,
afterall, a little bigger than she is. She only squirmed
for a couple minutes, before tiring out and giving up. I
let her loose, but she didn't move. With her head,
resting on my chest...and half of her body, still on top
of mine, she sighed heavily. I could get used to this. I
actually didn't mind that she hadn't made any effort to
move. I don't think I wanted her to. I kind of even hoped
that she would stay right where she was..and we would
fall asleep, so that I would wake up with her in my arms
again. Sometimes, I enjoyed the feel of her soft weight,
resting on and against me, too much.
But I didn't want to
think about that. So instead, I glanced down at Tess, to
find that she was staring blankly at something across the
room. I redirected my gaze, to see what she seemed to
find so interesting..but it was nothing..just a
wall....so I looked down at her once again. The look of
sadness was making itself present and I knew that
everything was about to start all over again. Gently, I
used my free arm -the one that Tess wasn't laying on- to
brush a few stray strands of hair, from her
eyes...letting my hand linger cheek for a moment. She
glanced up at me, briefly, but didn't speak. She didn't
have to, because I knew what she was thinking about.
I knew that she was
thinking that it had gotten too quiet. I knew that she
was thinking that, if the silence didn't break, that she
was probably going to cry again. And I knew, that if *I*
didn't speak sometime soon, that I was sure to see those
tears, any moment now.
"Tess.." I
breathed out, in my attempt to speak softly.
"It's-"
I was wrong. I thought
that saying something would help. But the tears still
spilled over, slightly wetting my shirt. I didn't mind.
It was the last thing I cared about. All I knew, was
that, she was crying again...and I didn't know how much
longer I could stand to see her hurting so much. It made
me wonder if all those times that she's smiled at me..if
they were ever really real. I know they say that
depression has it's 'ups', and that people who have it,
can actually have happy moments..but that they don't last
long. I'm hoping that that's what those times were. Happy
moments. At least, if they were, I would know that she
*was* happy with and around me.
"Don't
cry..please." I whispered, kissing the top of her
head.
At that, she wrapped
*her* free arm, around my waist, holding on to me, as if
I might disappear. Because of that, any moment now, I was
sure to join her in her tears. Before, I tried to be
strong..and always managed to push back the tears, but
I'm not sure that I could do it again. It was all getting
to be too much and I wanted to cry with her...to let her
know that I *did* understand what it was like to feel
alone. To feel, even though you were surrounded by
people, left out. I wanted her to know that...I was
missing something too.
I didn't know what to
say or do, to help. Not that I usually did, anyway. At
the moment, though, I felt the need to talk, like I
needed to get a million things off of my chest....but I
didn't know where to start. Sometimes I catch myself
wondering how she would react if I told her how much I
cared about her. I want her to know how much she means to
me. How important she is. But I didn't say anything right
away. I just sat there with her in silence, rubbing her
back with one hand, and stroking her hair with the other,
as if she were a child. I needed her to know that I was
still here..that she wasn't alone, and could hold on to
me as long as she needed to, because no matter what...I
was going to be there.
"Sometimes...."
I broke the silence, my voice cracking. "Sometimes
it hurts so much that..that I can't breathe."
Tess didn't say
anything, but I knew that she was listening. She always
listens.
"After Max and I
got old enough to realize exactly what we were and all
the stuff we could do..." I continued, hoping that
it might help Tess to hear my voice. "I spent so
many nights, crying myself to sleep."
I felt Tess tighten her
grip on my shirt, and take a deep breath. I knew that she
was trying to stop the tears now.
"The more I thought
about it, the harder I would cry..and I know that Max was
having trouble dealing with it too. But he was more
accepting of it."
Tess drew in a shakey
breath, as though she were about to speak. I saw her
mouth open..but nothing came out. So I waited. A couple
minutes later..she still didn't say anything, so I
started to talk again.
"When I first
started high school, I started to feel even more
different than the rest of the girls. The guys, too,
sometimes." I continued to talk. "By the end of
my first year, I vowed to fit in. I promised myself that
when I went into our second year, that I would be the
most popular person on campus and that no one would be
able to touch me. I didn't just want to be *like*
them...the humans. I wanted to be *better*. And so I
was."
I felt Tess nod in
understanding. At least I knew, for sure, now..that she
was listening to my 'story'. I had no idea where I was
going with it...or where it was coming from. But it was
the truth.
"Sometimes I loved
being the 'best'. Hell.." I said bitterly.
"Even the upperclassmen girls were jealous of
me..and would be pissy around me. But the ones in my
class, and under me..they all treated me like I was some
kind of God. Like I was their leader, and they couldn't
make any move, until it was okay with me. What the hell
were they thinking, you know? Not even *I* would get
sucked into something like that." I paused, taking a
deep breath. "Why do people let themselves be
treated like puppets?"
"They don't know
any better..." I heard Tess whisper, almost
inaudibly.
"I suppose they
don't. No one does, I guess. But anyway...I had all that,
there, at school..but when I went home in the afternoon,
I was alone. I had Max...and sure, my parents were there,
but I still felt so alone. So at night, I would cry
myself to sleep, over the things that I did have;
popularity, guys. Anything and everything I wanted, was
at my disposal. But sometimes, most of the time..I would
cry for the things that I *didn't* have; real friends,
someone to love..who would love me just as much. And I'm
not talking about my brothers."
Tess let go of my shirt
for a moment, attempting to dry her eyes. I hated that
she was crying, but I knew she'd be okay. I just had to
keep talking.
"And then there's
Alex. I never know what to think of him. Before, when I
was busy absorbing myself in my 'clique', I used to say
so many bad things about him. It was mostly because I
knew that he had a thing for me..but I thought it was
just a crush..and to me, then, he was just some dorky guy
that I had gone to school with all my life, that I would
of never dreamed of giving the time of day. Then I got to
know him..and yeah, he still followed me around and it
really got on my nerves sometimes...but, he was someone
to talk to. Someone that I knew I could trust."
I paused for a moment,
surprised when Tess wrapped her arm around me once again.
Her grip wasn't as tight..but she was still holding on.
"After a while, I
started to wonder if I could *make* myself love him the
way he loved me. I pretty much resigned myself to him,
thinking that if I didn't..that I'd always be alone. So I
started eating lunch with him more often..and one
day...when we were eating, I wasn't having the best of
days, and I was sitting there, really wishing that I had
found someone else to eat with..." I took a deep
breath, killing time before I continued in the direction
that I knew I was about to go. "And then you showed
up. I don't know how, but I just immediately knew that, I
wanted to know you. Partly because you were saving me
from listening to Alex, talking about the same old
thing..but mostly because..I just wanted to *know*
you."
"Really?" Tess
raised her head up slightly, sounding surprised. When I
nodded, she smiled, then snuggled back up against me.
"I couldn't get
enough of you." I admitted shamelessly. "You
were the first 'normal' -or so I thought- friend that I'd
ever had. And you seemed just as interested in knowing
*me*, so I-"
"I was.."
"So when Max and
Michael and the others started to get suspicious of
you..I started to hate them for it. For trying to mess up
something that was going so good."
"I guess I kind of
foiled that, for you, huh.." Tess said sadly.
"Not at all. I was
shocked, really, when we found out that you were one of
us. Then, when I got used to the idea..I wasn't so
surprised. It explained why I felt so connected to
you...then it just made me happy. I didn't have to worry,
anymore, about watching what I said..about being careful
around you anymore, because you knew our secret. You were
part of it. It just made it all, that much better."
I smiled to myself, thinking about how happy I had been.
"And I know that, at first, I let Michael and Max
fool me into believing that we couldn't trust you..and
I'm sorry for that. But it was because I was
hurting...and afraid of what I was feeling."
"What you were
feeling?" Tess repeated. "About Michael?"
"About you.."
Tess looked up at me
again. I could tell that she was surprised by my
admission. Hell, I was more suprised than she was. I'd
just let it flow right out of my mouth, as though I said
it all the time.
"What..*about*....me?"
She asked warily.
"I don't know..I
just....I sympathized with you, because I could see that,
having been raised by..him....that, you were lonely..and
needed someone to be there for you, like he never really
was. And..the longer I went on, supressing all of that,
and not talking to anyone about it, the need to protect
you, just kept getting stronger."
I paused, again, when I
felt Tess give me a reassuring squeeze..to let me know
that she was there. To let me know that she was
listening.
"The more that I
would think about it, the more I grew to hate..him...for
not treating you like you were his family. For not....for
not loving you, the way you needed to be loved."
"Isabel.."
Tess whispered, as though to tell me that I didn't have
to say any more.
"After Nasedo was
gone..and we knew, for sure, that he was never coming
back..you-you acted like everything was okay..but it
wasn't, and somehow I could see it. Sometimes, when I
knew that it was getting bad for you..I wished that I
could just, hold you, and promise you that you still had
me. That I could take care of you and be all that you
needed, to be happy."
"You *do* make me
happy, Isabel..." Tess stated. "You always
have."
I heard what she was
saying..but I didn't respond. If I got off-course now,
I'd never be able to bring it up again. I'd never be able
to tell her what was *really* on my mind.
"When you started
talking to me, about what was bothering you, I was
jumping at the chance to be there. I was just happy that
you wanted me to listen. That you were opening up to
me." Without thinking about it, I ran my hand
through the back of her hair again. "But then you
started calling me more often..like you did tonight. I
started getting more and more worried about you. I'm
scared for you, Tess," I admitted, glancing down at
her. "I can't lose you. Not now. Not when you mean
so much to me. And I can't stand to see you hurting so
much, knowing that there's nothing I can do, to make it
go away."
"Isabel..it's
okay," Tess tried to sound reassuring, as she stared
up at me. "I'm okay.."
"Maybe now. Maybe
tonight," I said. "But what about tomorrow? And
the next day, and the day after that? No one is *that*
strong, Tess. Not you..not me. Not....anyone."
I was nearing the point
of crying. I couldn't keep it in much longer..and not
feel like I was about to burst. Right about then, I felt
a tear, slide down my cheek, my breath catching. I guess
that Tess noticed it, because when she tilted her head
up, the look that crossed her face was one of worry and
concern.
"You're
crying?"
I knew she meant it as a
question, but it came out as more of a statement.
"Isabel..I didn't
meant to- please..that is the one thing that I can not
handle. I'm so sorry," she said, sitting
up..brushing the tears from my cheeks, with her hand.
I squeezed my eyes,
hoping to stop them..but more came.
"Isabel..."she
whispered pulling me to her.
I let my head rest on
her shoulder then. At the moment, I would of given
anything to have her arms around me..and if this is how
it was going to happen, then I wasn't going to resist.
I'd been strong for her, for so long that..I couldn't
hold it in anymore. I needed to feel her arms around me,
in comfort. The truth was, I was no stronger than she
was. I was merely better at hiding my feelings. Hiding my
pain. Hiding, in general. No one knew the real me. Not
even Max, or Michael. But now, here I was, showing Tess.
Showing her everything. How weak I could be...how much it
hurt me..to see *her* hurting.
The feel of her thumb,
soothingly rubbing the back of my neck, was nearly enough
to calm me down. It felt right, to feel her touching me.
Sure, she's touched me plenty of times before, in the
past two years...but never like this. Never for a
*reason* like this. And sure, we've cried together over
small, silly things...but never for something like this.
I wanted to tell her that I had fallen for her a long
time ago, and that her, having her arms around me like
this..wasn't really helping me at all. So, you can
imagine my surprise when I felt her kiss my shoulder
comfortingly.
I pulled back..looking
up at her in surprise. I wasn't complaining..but I was
curious as to why she had done it. The amount of
confusion that seemed to have clouded her eyes at that
moment, worried me. I knew, then, that she thought that
she had done something wrong, even though she hadn't.
"Tess..no, it's
okay..I just..." I paused, unsure of what to say.
"Believe me..i'm not complaining, just,
surprised."
She shook her head
slightly, before speaking. "I-I...it's not always
about him, you know."
"What's not?"
"This..." she
shrugged lightly. "I hate being here,
alone.....anyone would. But..it's not always about that.
Sometimes, I..."
"You...?" I
moved forward a little, watching her facial expressions
as she tried to work out what she wanted to say to me.
"Sometimes, I
just..miss you too much..an-and having you here, it makes
me feel better." she looked down nervously, staring
at her hands. "Sometimes I hate it..but other times,
I just openly admit to myself that...I need you, that I
can't function without you."
"Can.....can
I?" I whispered, leaning in a little more.
Tess nodded, looking me
in the eye, mouthing 'yes'..as she bridged the gap
between us, to let our lips meet.
"Do you know how
long I've wanted to do that?" I smiled against her
mouth, laughing a little.
"Probably as long
as I have..." she admitted.
//Did you think that
this would make everything right? Can't you see the price
you pay is your own life and as you're screaming out to
me to make things right, tonight How will you end your
pain?//
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