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Title:
Confessions of a Quiet Victim Author: Sara Category: Tess/Liz, Liz POV Rating: PG-13 Summary: Angsty future fic with a slashy twist. Background Music: "I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow. Revel in the irony. Notes: Prequel to Memoirs of a Lost Soul. My first ever not-happy Roswell fanfic. "Yes I'd
like to know This was over before it
began. I should have known better. I didn't. But you know what? I
don't regret one minute of it. If I had to do it all over
again, I would, a thousand times over. I'm going to miss her. I
don't want to leave her, but I know I have to. That
doesn't make it any easier. I wish this wasn't happening
to me. God, I'm going to miss
her. More than she knows. I wish I could explain to her
how I feel, but I don't know if there are even words to
describe it. Do I love her? Yes. Can the simple phrase
"I love you" possibly encompass the rush of
emotion I feel whenever she enters the room? I doubt it.
Tess Harding is my reason for living. Melodramatic? Yes.
Accurate? Also yes. I can't believe this is happening. It's September 26th. I'm
Liz Parker, and I don't want to die. *** I live for the night.
That's when she comes, sneaks into my hospital room and
stays with me for hours, talking to me, kissing me, just
being there for me. I sleep all day, and enjoy her
company all night. No one else ever visits, mostly
because there's no one left. My entire world was
destroyed this summer. Everyone is gone. Let's see, shall
we? Max is dead. He was
killed in an alleged gang shooting. Trouble was, the
police had never seen bullets made of that material. It
was almost...otherworldly. Max Evans, victim of an
intergalactic war. It would make an entertaining Saturday
matinee, but it really fucking sucks when it's your life. Everyone was devastated.
The leader was gone, what were they supposed to do now?
Nacedo was still busy at the FBI, so they couldn't turn
to him. Max's death was like the first tremble of an
earthquake, first you feel the shaking, and then
everything collapses. I still feel the aftershocks. Isabel and the Evan's
were destroyed by the news. We think Isabel attempted
suicide, though she claimed she just took a few too many
sleeping pills. Eventually, they moved. Mr. Evans was
transferred to Sacramento, and Isabel had no choice but
to go with them. It killed her to leave everyone, but
what else could she do? Michael being, well,
Michael, followed her to California, leaving Maria torn
into metaphorical little pieces. She ran away from home,
hopped a Greyhound to Sacramento, and moved in with
Michael when she got there. Her mom was pissed, but
eventually realized Maria's stubbornness matched her own.
She accepted it, and regularly sends Maria care packages
and condoms. Gotta love Amy DeLuca. And the survivors? Tess,
Alex, Kyle and I. What could we do? Alex had lost the
love of his life. He sort of retreated back to his own
little world. We still talk once in a while. It's not the
same. He's a different person now. Kyle tried to keep
living normally, but he couldn't face it. The stress of
knowing the alien's secret and having no one to talk to
about was tearing him up inside. One day he went
ballistic on a guy who had made some cutting comment
about Max. The guy ended up in the hospital with three
broken ribs and multiple bruises. Kyle ended up in a
"care facility" for troubled teenagers. Then there was Tess. The
one person I never expected to talk to outside of the
alien circle. But there she was. Showing up at the
Crashdown, looking sad and lost, and latching on to any
tiny bit of conversation I sent her way. Staying after we
closed, offering to help me clean up. Looking at me
hopefully whenever I voluntarily started a conversation.
Even now, I don't understand what inspired the protective
feeling I had towards her. She seemed so desperate for a
purpose, or some sort of meaning. I guess I understood
that. No matter what my
motives were, we became friends. Not "let's have a
sleepover and do each other's hair and gossip about
boys" friends, actual true friends, like I had
thought Maria and I were. At first, I thought it was just
mutual loneliness, but eventually I realized it went even
deeper. We began spending practically every waking moment
together. She even got a job at the Crashdown as a
waitress. She claimed it was "something to keep her
busy." I'm pretty sure she was lying. After work,
she would sleep over at my house or I would go to hers.
My parents were busy remodeling the restaurant so they
didn't have much time to notice I was gone, plus they
gave me a lot of space after Max's death. They would
occasionally make vague references to "that Tess
girl" but all in all I don't think they really
noticed. That made it easier. One night after we
closed, we went back to her house. We sat in the living
room and talked for a few hours, drinking hot chocolate
and lamenting the cold weather. She giggled at something
I said, I smiled and touched her arm. We stopped
laughing, and sort of stared at each other for a moment.
I leaned in first. We kissed each other then, slow and
sweet and wondering. It was just...indescribable.
Actually, if I had to pick an adjective, I'd say
"right." More than anything else, kissing her
felt right, like everything was at last falling into
place. Our friendship was suddenly more, and it was
amazing. From then on we were inseparable. I never told my parents.
I honestly never felt the need to. Tess and I were
together, that was all that mattered. It was our world,
and no one else needed to be involved. We were happy. I
held her hand in public, we set up our class schedules so
they were almost identical. We had lunch together every
day, our own little table outside. On our one-month
anniversary, she brought me roses, and I made her dinner.
We were the perfect couple, and everything was going
right for us. Then I started getting
headaches. Bad ones. But I told myself it was no big
deal, took some aspirin, ignored it. Then one day,
walking through the hallway with Tess, I fainted. They
took me to the hospital, and when I woke up, Tess was
there with tears in her eyes as the doctor told me I had
a brain tumor. I said no, that's impossible, because I'm
in love and I don't want to be sick and am I going to
die? Please say I'm not going to die. But the doctor just
looked at me sadly and said my parents would be there in
a few minutes and then he would explain everything. He
left, and Tess held my hand and we cried. Finally, the doctor came
back in with my parents in tow. He told me his name was
Dr. Sharp, and that he was very sorry. Then, as my parent
wrung their hands together and Tess attempted to fade
into the background, he said that I didn't have much time
left. My mother started sobbing as he stated that I had,
at best, two more weeks to live. My father told him I was
only seventeen, and that it was impossible that I was
dying, because I was young, and people my age didn't die
from brain tumors. Dr. Sharp said he was sorry and that
he would leave us alone. Then he left me alone with my
parents, my girlfriend, and my death sentence. Mom and
Dad sobbed and said they loved me and they would find a
way to prevent this. I smiled numbly and told them it
would all be okay, even though we all knew I was lying. After several hours,
they left to call my family and everyone else. Tess
pulled up a chair to my bedside and said she would stay
with me. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed my
forehead. Her tears had dried, but I saw more shining
behind her eyes, and I knew she would not let me see
them. My Tess, always the strong one. I told her I loved
her, and one errant tear slipped down her cheek. Then Dr.
Sharp came back in, ushering her out, saying visiting
hours were over. I spent that night alone
and sobbing, trying to sleep and failing. I ended up
watching old episodes of Springer on the ancient
television perched in the corner of my room. It was
relaxing, helped me not to think. And when I did, it was
to observe that even though I was dying, at least I
didn't have a prostitute mother who slept with my
ex-boyfriend, or other disturbing variations on that
theme. Tess came to my window at about three o'clock that
night, unlatched it easily, and slipped inside. She
talked to me for hours, until the sun came up and she
slipped out, promising to return the next night. I slept most of that day
away, opening my eyes occasionally to talk to my parents,
or recieve a shot, or thank a friend for the flowers.
Towards the end of the day, I did a few crossword puzzles
from a book Mom had bought me. Just a distraction until
Tess slipped through the window a little bit after
eleven. We talked, and kissed, and laughed, all the while
ignoring the invisible presence in my room. My mortality
lurked in a dark corner, mocking me whenever I had the
temerity to laugh, or forget for one moment that I was
going to die. But it was easy to
forget when Tess was there, and I looked forward to her
nightly visits. She came during the day sometimes, when
she knew no one else would be there. Nighttime was when
she truly came alive though, as if daylight only reminded
her of the fact that I wasn't out in it. It continued
like this for days, as I grew weaker and weaker. She knew
there wasn't much time left, and so did I. It's bout a week and
half after the diagnosis now, we are talking about
something mundane when she suddenly bursts into tears.
Alarmed, I ask her what's wrong. "I don't want to
lose you," she sobs. I pull her into my arms.
"I love you, Tess," I tell her. "I'll
never leave you. I'm a part of you now, and you're a part
of me. We'll always be together. No matter what."
And I hold her as she cries. For hours, I hold her,
tracing circles on her back and whispering comforting
words. We kiss, and I am so happy for one moment, so
thankful that I have found her, even though I don't have
much time left. My life is meaningful because it has her
in it. The sun rises outside,
burning pink in the distance. I hug her tighter and feel
my energy draining away. She pulls back, eyes full of
sorrow. "I can't save
you," she whispers. I smile tenderly at her.
Doesn't she realize what she means to me? She has already
saved me, every moment she was with me, a thousand times
over. "I know," I tell her. My breath is
fading, I can feel it. "I'm sorry,"
she says. I touch her face gently.
"I love you..." I murmur as my eyelids lower. I hear her voice as I
slip away into darkness, and it's like the voice of an
angel waiting for me. "I love you,"
she tells me. And the rest is silence. |